scribbling

...Jesus declared, “I tell you the truth, no one can see the kingdom of God unless he is born again.”

“How can a man be born when he is old?” Nicodemus asked. “Surely he cannot enter a second time into his mother’s womb to be born!” (John 3:3-4)

I see how important it is to become like a child to enter the Kingdom of God, to approach Him.  How do we with our sophistication, our learnings, our language,  our history, our ingrained patterns, do this?  We can’t go back in time... How can I do it?  Do I study harder?  Focus harder?  Do I make myself be quiet for long stretches of time? Assume a certain posture?

Maybe we need to purposefully, intentionally let go of our jaded adulthood.  Not going back in time, but… beyond time. 

I know too much, I've learned too much.  And I get too cerebral and earthbound.  I default to automatic responses...autopilot.  In so doing I numb out, and drift too far away from the God I want to really love.  To become childlike in the sense I think God is hoping for, I have to purposefully forget stuff.  Forget my preconceptions, my culture, my history... even my style of praying.  So..

I experimented...I started writing letters to God… purposefully stream of consciousness.


Praying freestyle on the page.  Breaking the rules of composition. Keeping the pen moving, without punctuation or forethought or editing very few capitals or even rules of grammar.  at times I just let it fly unlearning UNLEARNING every buzz phrase I ever learned every church word spiritual word knowing nothing nothing except God except my shepherd who knows me and every brain wave and every pain and every hope and every dream unlearning and stopping the reasoning and worry lists and ever infringing sense of rights and responsibilities going right brain and letting it flow..

I think you get the idea. 

The other day I stumbled across one of my first experiments in this practice—a letter I scrawled to God back in 1998.  

At the time I believe I was on a beach (that always helps) …I had a small pad of paper (sunscreen smudges and all) and I just wanted to let go of all effort and preconceptions and keep the pen moving from right to left on the page, without thinking, without crafting, without forethought - directing my thoughts and feelings Godward as best I could. 

Not great literature.  Not even close.  But it's written prayer from the gut--doing an end run around my mind.  That's what had to happen.  That's what makes it an effective practice for me.

Here’s what I scrawled out, freestyle, back then:

scribbling

move in motion

move in steps

move where you lead

i will go

i have no reason

to resist

i have no mind

turned on now

i want just to

see your smile

i hope you will

love this love

i hope you will

love this hope

baby steps

toward your heart

i could be your

flowing blood

i could swim

into your flood

of living water

this is true

and clear and pure

and visceral

this is hope

in raw form

this is peace

a child in your arms

i try not to try

just alone in love

alone in floating

closer to your heart

short phrases

can say so much

prayers don’t have

to be so long

i could be a man of fewer words

i could be a servant

in your temple

reading the signs

moving slow

resting simple

in a heart

that is let go

i feel the rhythm

i find the things

that are real

inside me

looking for the passageway

from me to you

from you to me

jacob’s ladder

where angels ascend

and descend

from heaven to earth

i am looking for the passageway

i will tread carefully

not wanting to be misled

by any other

only led by you

don’t let me be led astray

i want only your heart

only your heart

only your mind

i want to connect

only to the vine

--

Maybe this is a practice you'd want to try--praying freestyle onto the page..  It's easier than you think.  Baby steps.  And it can be liberating.  And maybe, like me, you'll see its potential as you look for a useful way to move your heart and soul closer to God.
I'd love to hear your thoughts...